Friday, April 17, 2015

Oh Geez, I Miss My Zzzzs

"My name is Megan and it's been more than four months since I've slept more than 35 minutes consecutively."

I probably really should join a support group, but we'd probably spend all night texting and chatting with one another, further reminding ourselves we are incapable of sleep...

For me, sleep has always been a bit optional, surviving pretty easily on four to six hours and getting through the days with a smile. Then I turned 30. Had children. Made life and career changes. All those sorts of things. Catching zzzzzs suddenly became a bit less optional and more of a requirement if that grin was going to happen and I was going to be the kind of woman, mom, wife, friend and daughter I desired to be.

Gal pals remind me that sleep has always been an issue in life (I'm probably forgetting due to lack of REM cycles), but this, my friends has entered a whole new level of wakedom. Each night consists of relying on a little pink pill, taken at an exact hour or deal with wakefulness so bold it dares to consume nearly my entire life. It invites me to obsess about it. Flirt with it. Fight with it. Embrace it. Loathe it. And many other emotions in between. It's meant physical pain, forgetfulness and at times, even danger. It's not cool.

I mean, it's just insomnia, but geez louis, I miss my zzzzzs. It's toll has changed our family dynamics, causing new schedules, concerns and fears. All from a lack of sleep. It's a bit, insane.

Seasons of insomnia made sense before: college exams, relationship stress with that first love, anxiety over family situations, etc. But this?


From what I can tell, life is pretty damn good. I've not a thing to complain about or really even fret about besides those everyday things any mildly health person is going through. Heck, most days I even question how I got this lucky in life, grateful for each moment the hours held.

Ambien has been the only answer and even that guy takes a while to kick in. And he has so many rules. Puh-leeze. Who has time for that?

Taking care of my emotional wellness and essential oils are next on my list. The attempt to kick up the exercise and avoid sugar are meh and likely need a ramp up. Losing screen time hours before bed should go on the list as well. And maybe a dab of meditation.

All in all, I desire to do none of these things. I desire sleep. And that, apparently is unattainable. Brain or hormones: you must be winning.

That means I'm losing. Hours of sleep. Hours of sanity. And years off of my life. All from this little thing that makes no sense with healthy blood work, etc.

When I look at the seriousness and strength required of others and the things they are going through, I feel ashamed that insomnia is eating me alive. In the grand scheme of things this likely counts for nothing and I have no business running my mouth on its vicious spell it has over me. But hey - I had the time, my family fast asleep in their rooms while I tend a hobby. At least there's that...

May your Zzzzzs be deep, bold and beloved. You and your loved ones deserve it!And if you've found something that works that doesn't require a script, please pass your secrets along. Any hour...I'll be awake.

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