Monday Momfessions: July 6 Week

1. When your two-year old pulls the defibrillator alarm in the US's third largest airport, you go ahead and just walk away v.e.r.y. slowly. Turn red, look around to make sure there isn't actually someone that appears they need assistance (aka avoid waste), then promptly hide at a different gate, avoiding your husband's glare that didn't even see it happen but just KNEW. Thank goodness Americans have suddenly become creepily immune to screeching alarms. Twelve minute response time - really?!

2. The amount of naked wrestling time has only increased since KC has hit temps in the 90s. We've had to remind both boys that clothes are required outside the home. Suddenly, they've become homebodies. Of note: undie Nerf gun fights in the backyard are acceptable.

3. I ate the last Oreo. Again. And I didn't even feel guilty about it. Not for one second. They even heard the crackling of the package and came running and I just blankly stared them in the face while popping the black and white deliciousness into my pie hole...

4. Sibling rivalry is going to be the death of me. I keep trying to stay positive, smooth on all those essential oils and do some educational reading to cope, but find that I only want to throw said book and mix vodka with the oils every time it begins. I feel a bit like Jessie on "Saved by the Bell..."

5. Seeing our oldest do good deeds absolutely on his own and with his own intent may be the coolest thing ever.

6. They should make support groups for when your favorite teachers transition from daycare. It should be the kind of support group that serves alcohol.

7. "Aw, SH*T." Yep, he said that. At school and in front of grandma. Damnit. I mean, shoot. Darn. Augh...

8. The little one has embraced a new sales tactic that moves him from demon to angel in nanoseconds. When he wants something, he becomes like that cat in Shrek with the big eyes, very gently caresses both sides of your face, looks lovingly into both of your eyes with his big blue ones, cocks his head and say "HAVE ONE?!" If you try to look away, he only becomes more insistent and even uses multiple languages. It works every time. I should tell our sales team at work...

9. Kindermusik is an incredible program I highly recommend. Allowing the playlist in the car that suddenly leads to toddler addiction is another story. Not only does it help you near the definition of insanity, it's not good for the ego when you accidentally leave it running and pull up next to a car of young bucks, the hot guy you always see at the grocery store or that ultra hip Mom that you want to be. Anything for the kids...

10. Avoid employing a hot, female swim instructor for your son. You may think they are too young to notice, but watch any private lesson and quickly learn that around five, learning seems to be decreasing and a Kindergartner's version of flirting increases. Oye.