Truth

Seriously, who can leave without spending at least $50 a pop? And sometimes that's just one small bag!

Damn you and love you Target. Thank you for all of your deliciousness.

Why's the WEEK Hafta END?!

The sun avoiding dipping behind the rooftops before 9 p.m. Trailing my ankles in the pool while our little superhero splashes nearby. Celebrating the two most amazing parents on earth for their anniversary and Mom's birthday over delectable dining. Girl time over sushi with smiling wee ones while catching Mom/Baby yoga on the wrong day, landing us at Peach Wave. Minimal housework. Tee time. Conversations with the husband while cicadas chirp overhead.

Now that's the way to bring in summer. Hope your weekend was spectacular!

A Night in Review

"Ok, so we'll see you around 10:30 - have fun!" we said to the sitter as we practically catapulted out the door, the cries of our colicky little one and couch leaps of our oldest growing quieter as we pulled out of the drive. We sat in silence for a few minutes, relishing the moment of calm, hand in hand as we worked to mentally adjust to "parents" to "spouses on a date."

Though a week night, I wanted to treat the hard working husband to a man flick and some grub on the town, all the while escaping a few hours from diapers and demands to do a little work on our relationship as well. Heading out south, he chose "Pig & Finch" as the restaurant of the evening and boy are we glad he did:

The service: personable, attentive, knowledgable and funny. The adult beverages: above average. The croquettess: to die for. Main dishes: equally as yummy. Fried donuts: can't go wrong.

In other words, it was delicious. Prepare to spend outside your budget, but much like Rye, it's well worth it.

With five minutes to spare, we paid our tab and shuffled quickly to the theater, me recalling exactly why I no longer wear heels and kicking myself despite wanting to make an effort for the hubs. Finding comfortable seats, we caught "Man of Steel" in the non-3D and settled in for a longer ride than anticipated.

The husband's review: loved. Mine: how many fights can seriously be in one film? Is it really more than two hours? What's with the slight cheesey aspect? How could Louis not know that's Superman in this day and age with just a glasses change - doesn't she cyber stalk? The action scenes and music: a few decibels too loud. And the chic that has to send Superman out to earth? She was not nearly sad enough. Silver lining: the dude who plays the hero is not just Superman, but super hot.

It was nearly worth it just for that...

So hit up Pig & Finch and AMC for your next date night at Park Place - it was a joy!

I Took Your Advice...

Thanks to the lovely lady pictured first who had the completely selfless and gracious idea to FLY in from Minnesota to spend the day with Squeak, I had the luxury of six hours to myself, tear and kid-free. One pedi, lunch with girlfriends and favorite ice cream later and I'm a new woman.

Thanks Aunt Mary, for being the kind of friend and aunt who understands and gives and loves with the most open of hearts. We love and appreciate you to the moon and back!

Monday Momfessions - June 17 Week

Whoa, getting this done on a Tuesday?! A new record as of late. Is the title driving you nuts yet? I have to keep it for it's catchiness!

1. Nearly this whole post can be dedicated to the following: pumping at Arrowhead Stadium. Three times. In a thunderstorm. Among many, many drunk cowboys and cowgirls. Please message me for details. It was humbling, awkward, sticky and inconvenient. Man, I love that kid. But hey, if grown men and women can consistently relieve themselves near the dumpster about 50 yards from my car, I figure keeping up with my lactation responsibilities is pretty acceptable around those parts.

2. Speaking of the Kenny concert, who are these rail thin but with toned thighs and biceped women with gorgeous carmel skin, perfectly coifed hair in the pouring rain and rockin' ensembles? Seriously. Who.are.they. Certainly not the overweight woman in the red poncho (me). And they were drinking beer that didn't look like it would add to their gut by 6 a.m.? I'm not just talking those teen to 20-somethings - there were some hottie bo tottie 40+s out there. Perhaps I should've spent less time looking at Eric Church and more time interviewing these gals on how they do it.

3. Discovered: an ultimate stress reliever is finding a sitter for a few hours, calling up the girls and hitting the pool. Uh-mazing. Even if the sunburn exists over one week later. Totally worth it.

4. Father's Day was slightly a fail in that the house was a disaster, we couldn't find the motivation to cook so Jack Stack order it was, the presents were half-ass and the hubs' wasn't right at all (no surprise given the golf dude was not super interested in fighting through the colic to help find the perfect pair of shoes so I just grabbed the nearest box because it said Tiger Woods) and Daddy had to do way too much work to make his own day happen. Luckily he caught a quick afternoon snooze to make up for it (see above). We'll knock it out of the ballpark next year hubs, we promise...?! He's so patient, particularly since outcomes are at about a 20% positive in this casa right now.

5. I let another stranger hold the baby. To be fair, this time it was at Learning Tree. Surely Squeak learned something educational from her in those few moments while I found a gift and paid. So really, it was good for him.

6. Dear Halo cheater swaddles: what the hell are those holes for on the lower sides except to have your child's arms escape from them and then get royally peeved?! I.don't.understand. Though notably, likely a user error.

7. Parents: what are your practices on talking to your children about death? Little Dude had a classmate lose a grandparent and also overheard a sitter talking about a deceased friend and now he's obsessed. I keep changing my story and must get it together! Mr. 9-yo vocabulary isn't falling for my various versions.

8. This week we are breaking out all the stops to provide Squeak some relief: chiropractic adjustments for him, starting reflux meds, removing some dairy for me, me taking probiotics and working to improve my diet and potentially moving him to his own room plus three new nursing holds. I was supposed to move him last night and am secretly using the excuse the shelves aren't up for the monitor yet. Maybe I'll go hide those for awhile...

9. I heard from nearly all my colleagues this week who were just checking in on how maternity leave was going. Either it was coincidence or something is going down. Enough thinking about that, right?! There's only a month left. Unbelievable. Pass the tissues.

10. Logging what I ate did not occur this week. Whoops! Perhaps that is why the scale is so angry this morning. Again, WHAT are those Kenny chics doing?!

What's new with you, Momma?

The Colors of Summer

"June Bride, please," my girlfriend said to her favorite nail tech, looking forward to a bit of sparkle and shine she could show off poolside. Meanwhile, another member of our posse went for a sassy purple on her toes for the same reasons. Like accessories, nail polish is therapeutic and genius: always fits and you can change it with your moods. Here are some of my favs for summer:

"Play Date" by Essie - for your more subtle summer days and add some silver sparkle at the ends for evenings

"Mojito Madness" by Essie - anytime this is on my tips, I get asked about the color.
Discovered from Style Scout's blog, it's the perfect shade of not to kelley, not to minty or putrid green

China Glaze's "Pool Party" - a discovery from my IA bff - the ideal and noticeable shade for
all summer long, hands and tootsies

"Bounce It's Me" by Essie - does this scream "I'm on vacation!" or what?!

"Turned Up Turquoise" by China Glaze - not, green, not blue, but bright neon fun

And if you're looking for some of the best salons to pop in and get your mani/pedi on, I highly recommend Blanca tucked away at CJ's Hair Design behind Kokopelli's on 95th and Nall for gel nails (hello - $22! and lasts at least two weeks!) and Stem Salon for toes (a proper, peaceful pedi that leaves your toes hydrated and beautified for weeks - $30).

Latest mani from Blanca (copying bff Katie!)

Happy painting!

Post Secret

"Oh my goodness, all three of mine were like that...right up to 18 months," the well-meaning Learning Tree shopper confessed, tears pooling in the corners of her eyes as she helped me gather my things and gave me an empathetic hug. This was a gesture I'd grown used to in past weeks, grateful for the sympathy, understanding and sisterhood of the colic. I suddenly felt as if I'd known her my whole life and needed her immensely, despite not even knowing her name.

It wasn't until this week though that I had fully understood their tears, but now it makes so much sense: the pieces of post traumatic stress of hours of hours upon crying with no way to make it better, wondering, worrying and slowly stepping into an abyss of insanity no matter how many one-block walks, hot showers or short-term sitters you can convince to rock, bounce and pacify your screaming baby. Then there are the moments of you clutching your stair rail, bawling equally as hard but silently as you dig deep to be grateful for this life you've created, hoping the neighbors don't see your weakness through the half-moon window. There's the arguments you have with your spouse, using words you'd never thought you exchange with actions of fury, surprising even yourself after hours of fussing with no solution begin to wear on your soul. The turning away of your older child as you enter the second half of the day of Bjorning, rocking, happy babying, etc., missing the recap of his day and what he's learned in pre-K. The downplaying you report back to your friends who ask how things are going with phrases like "he's a bit challenging during the day, but sleeps like a dream at night." Meanwhile, your house, relationships and pieces of you sink into a slow vat of quicksand that soon, no amount of fake smiles, trying to keep up appearances, social outings or Starbucks passion teas can make up for in your day to day. Finally, there is the guilt of all the things a mother should never think or say out loud as this too shall pass, the missed moments, even the tough ones when they're older and the blessing of having a lovely family at all.

But you know what, tonight, I'm going to go ahead and say it: I'm tired. I need help, on top of the generous amount of assistance I'm blessed with day in and day out. My heart is broken. I don't understand my new son except in the two seconds a day he shoots me the most gorgeous smile that lights up his entire face, corner to corner in the most adorable way. Our relationship is strained. All my relationships are strained. I feel helpless, hopeless and incapable of raising this tiny being who is sure to be great, but in the meantime, requires the significant amounts of patience, creativity and endurance that most days I'm unsure I'm capable of achieving. Some days I feel like a prisoner in my own home, unable to do anything but rock, sway, swaddle, shoosh, white noise, deep knee bend, pacify, soothe, sing and read to lest the squeaky wails begin, opening me up to more judgement and fatigue than I would've experienced on my own. He's never happy. I don't understand why he's never happy. And that makes me very unhappy.

Yes I've tried strategy X, Y, Z and yes I cherish every second, even the tough ones, for what a gift it is to have this beautiful being a year after trying and against all odds with so many struggling with infertility out there. I love my sons more than anything on this earth and plan to give them everything I have in this lifetime and beyond, but I needed just a second, a minute to share this post secret: I'm hurting. This is hard. And some days I don't know how the two of us are quite going to make it to those magical moments where it all ends for a few blissful hours of evening sleep and I watch as he dreams, the corners of his mouth turning into little grins and I know he's found euphoria on the other side. And while I wouldn't change it for the world as I spiritually appreciate this is the hand I'm currently meant to be dealt, I look forward to the hour where he rests peacefully in my arms, finds his happy place in life and feels like the amazing baby he is and was alway meant to be. Until then I'll rock, sway, swish, bounce and keep trying to fix you.