Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Monday Momfessions: November 23 Week

The Mommy's Sick?! Version:
1. The day you realize you're sick, the children will bounce on your bed to ensure that your capability to stand upright really doesn't exist. Arm, leg and possibly hair pulling may also occur. Potentially a tummy smack (aka: "big hug). Ensure a bucket is near by if nausea is your culprit.

2. You can hide out for awhile, but once the toddler recalls that you actually reside behind that closed door, he will immediately go into "Walking Dead" mode and groan, moan and bang until he can reach the Mommy flesh and blood to continue his lifeline.

3. Starting around age two is the perfect time to introduce Lysol spraying as a core competency. Hey - it's going to take a village to shlep this mess.

4. Sickness will not be a solitary recovery effort. Dogs, cats, small children and their toys will constantly be available as bed nurses. Daddy maybe not to much - he's curled in the fetal position downstairs. To be fair: Hulk Hogan and Seth Rollins have actually been pretty decent helpers. They're quiet, small and seem to like the SATC reruns as much as I do.

5. Visible sickness will require much education. If you can talk among the porcelain and tiles, prepare your 90-minute lecture for the students who have many questions.

6. A party will be thrown in your honor on the other floor of your home. Pot banging, play kitchens, John Deeres with backup noises, toolboxes and a full on wrestling match will be rehearsed at extreme decibel levels all in anticipation of your soon-to-be arrival to the main floor.

7. Your husband may say something like: "Hey! It looks like you're losing some weight though like you wanted!" This is not helpful, but is appreciated for the silver lining effect.

8. This same husband will be accountable for navigating three birthday parties when he's been off the circuit for a few years. And he'll flat out refuse music class. So go ahead and toss that $25 down the toilet, flush and then pray the birthday children received the actual intended gift vs. something from a passion party mommy attended last month.

9. You're brood will stare at you - be prepared. But don't look yourself - it's because you actually look like one of those zombies as described earlier.

10. When it's time to emerge, don't look around and panic. Simply delight that your beautiful family has been "making memories." Then slap on some lipstick, grab a bottle of bubbles, put on your booty kickin' boots and skinnies that fit better now and get back at it. Then schedule a mani and massage. You deserve it from all that laying around...

'Tis the season! Wishing you and yours wellness.

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