1. "Why are you acting like such a pscyho?!" Extra points of evil if you mutter under your breath in another room.
2. "Whoa - that's a whole lotta belly." Extra points if you say so before her eyes are truly open at 6 a.m.
3. "The two of you are eating us out of house and home!"Bonus points if he tries to control your diet in any way, shape or form during the 10-month period.
4. "You've done this once before and it wasn't THAT bad, right?!"Bonus points of evil if your wife had hyperemesis, complications and a horrific multiple-day long birth.
5. "Seriously - I can't get comfortable at night anymore! You're keeping me up with your insomnia and constant attempt to find a good position." Bonus points if he snores and never wakes to pee or walk your other child back to his bed during his night wakings.
6. "Look buddy - you could parachute in the size of Mommy's undies!" Extra points if this grown man will still keep his special pair that has holes in them for gah sake or if your child repeats this to his pre-school teachers.
7. "Wow, my back REALLY hurts and I'm SO tired." Extra points if he has a near flat stomach and actually got more than two hours of shut-eye.
8. "You so hired a doula because you want her to replace me and think I didn't do a good job last time, didn't you?" Extra points if he spent the first six month saying this was a great idea then suddenly changed his mind once his insecurities set in. Or maybe it's that he doesn't have to deliver the thing himself. That or he's dreaming of the bill we'll have to pay postpartum.
9. "Oh sure honey, I....zzzzzz." Note he pretends to fall asleep vs. providing a 30-second shoulder or foot massage. Bonus points if you catch him reading his iPad 15 minutes later when he thinks you're asleep.
10. "I don't need to go to any of your appointments except the gender one, right? They don't do anything there anyway and you end up having to wait forever - it's boring." Extra points if he thinks working or listening to Dick VanDike scream on the TV takes priority over OB visits.
11. "I'm not going out to get ice cream - it's freezing outside!" Bonus if he just polished off your hidden cherry filled Twizzlers you required to get through another hour.
These are not necessarily from my own husband's mouth, mind you. It was...a friend of a friend. I swear...
So what is your helpful hubby saying these days?